APPENDIX A: Snacks, Drugs and Slowly Rolling Out Of Bed. (by Shane “Very Patient” Adamczak)

Well dear readers, what a week has it been since you read me last (That sounds weird?). But when I say it’s nice to be here, I really mean it! I’ll be honest; I’ve sat down to finish writing this blog about three times already, but I keep losing my focus and getting distracted by strange thoughts such as “They should make a Calvin & Hobbes movie, that could be amazing” “They better not, they’d only screw it up” and “What if it was Calvin & Hobbes mash up with He-Men/BattleCat movie THAT would be amazing…” and then suddenly Oliva Newton-John is dancing to Ace Of Base in the living room and I figure I better go check it out.

Yep. Percocet will do that you. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves…

THE GAP WEEKS

So young, travelling thespian, you have a two week gap between festivals and nothing but time on your hands? So, what should you do? You could travel half way to your next destination (Edmonton) and stay in Calgary, see shows, see the sights (such as Calgary’s famous…um…things) OR have EMERGENCY SURGERY! Let the good times roll…slowly out of bed in pain.

Long story short I’m all set up at Peter Carlone’s (of Peter n’ Chris fame) family home staying for what I planned to be a short visit of hanging with my fringe Family, Pete’s REAL family and catching some shows I had missed on the tour so far…next thing I know I’m politely asking for a ride to hospital to check out some stomach-ache type pain that had been lingering and getting worse of the last two days…Longer story short I’m suddenly getting an emergency Appendectomy and am in the Hospital for three days.

The procedure took approximately one hour and cost approximately $6 Billion dollars. There went my plans for the week off. Mmm, recovery.

So, how to still make the best of a bad situation and amuse myself? Well, should you be trapped in a horrible boring place (The Hospital, not Calgary…) for an extended period of time, I would recommend the following: Delirious tweets while high and completely unaware of what you are doing, watching my hallucination unfold, walking very slowly to the nurses desk and back…trying to get out of bed, which will eat up a good ten minutes each time, trying not to look at my IV (I’m SUPER bad with needles) and watching the basic-cable Doctor Who marathon. Also, have your comedian friends visit you and immediately regret it when you remember how painful it is to laugh. There was actually so much love from the Fringe Family Universe during all of this and I am eternally grateful to all of you (Special mentions to the Brent Hirose and The Saskatoon Fringe for sending a picture of ALL of them wishing me well, really boosted me up) couldn’t have done it with you (well, I COULD’VE, but I would’ve been much sadder).

During recovery and once you get your appetite back that’s when they tempt your tastebuds with the glory that is “hospital food”. Needless to say, I didn’t eat too much in there. I think I’m going to start a food “cravings” delivery service to hospital rooms and make a mint…. It’ll make a small dent in medical costs at least.

Oh one last thing, when you go overseas and someone asks you if you want to by Travel Insurance; YOU DO! Turns out bad shit can happen while you’re out and if you’re not covered IT WILL COST YOU SIX BILLION DOLLARS! But I did have travel insurance. Holy Kites is it best thing I ever did or what?!

I have a few weeks to recover before my show kicks off again in Edmonton, I am sadly going to have to reshape some of the more physical parts of the show but I have some great new ideas in store for Edmonton for the Appendixless Edition of ZACK ADAMS: A Complete History Of Zack Adams!

I’ll leave you with this:

PERCOCET JOURNAL
Hr1-ZIP to mega drowsy*
Hr2-Super sleepy/stupid/asleep*
Hr3-Awake but real dumb**
Hr4-Slowly wearing off
*Bad time to try and write a blog
**Prime “Stupid Tweeting” Time

Don’t do drugs kids! UNLESS a doctor MAKES you, then it’s totally cool.

-S.